Things to Do for 2008 (now revised, as I'll be staying in SoFL for the rest of the year), thus far... 

 It's amazing how your world can completely shift in the blink of an eye. 

It's been an incredibly busy, incredibly chaotic, incredibly life-altering few months...it's hard for even me to wrap my brain around everything that's happened in the past few months. Probably some of the best and worst moments of my life wrapped up into a span of weeks. It's hard to comprehend.

Life got very chaotic, very busy, and quite difficult after I got back from Belize in April. That post-island relaxation and peace lasted only a few days, and then the stress, the worry, the pressure was back with a vengance. About a week after I got back from Belize was when the stomach pains started. It started as an upset stomach, then developed into stomach pains, followed by lack of appetite, fatigue, naseau, etc., etc. For two months, I was in and out of doctor's offices, hospital ERs, pharmacies, specialists offices, all trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I heard every explanation under the sun - food poisoning, irritable bowel syndrome, stomach virus, ulcers, ovarian cysts, ovarian cancer, uterine cysts, uterine cancer, kidney problems, gall bladder problems, etc., etc. I went through about every test they could throw at me - ultrasounds, CT scans, x-rays, blood tests, urine tests, thyroid tests, pregnancy tests - you name it, they gave it to me (even if I knew damn well it wouldn't show anything - namely the pregnancy tests). Yet, until about three weeks ago, they could not pinpoint what exactly was wrong. For about two months, I was utterly miserable - there were days where the only position I could be in that was even remotely comfortable was curled up in a tight little ball. Finally, about three weeks ago, they determined that I had a bacterial infection, likely something I picked up in Belize, and the symptoms were being made ten times worse by the fact that I was under so much stress. Needless to say, after a few rounds of antibiotics and some medications to help me manage my stress levels, things seem to be coming back to a more even keel. Unfortunately, two months of being sick cost me most of my sick time at work, not to mention hundreds of dollars in medical bills. 

Upon returning from Belize, it was back to the grind in terms of my thesis paper and defense. By the end of April, I was finished with my thesis paper and had it submitted for review by my committee and two outside experts. Weeks of revisions and corrections followed, with my draft being approved for defense one week before my defense date (yikes!). Meanwhile, while revisions and drafts are flying back and forth, I'm preparing for my defense presentation. Putting together the powerpoint presentation, whittling a 110 page paper down to a 30 minute presentation of 30 slides, practicing and practicing and practicing...

In the middle of all of this, my grandmother passed away. It was probably one of the most heartbreaking, most difficult moments of my life, getting that phone call. We all knew it was coming, and coming fast, but you still can never be completely 100% prepared for that moment. I went home for a week to pay my respects and spend time with my family...to be honest, I don't remember much of the wake or funeral...it's all a really big blur to be honest, which I guess is best. I spent most of that week trying my damnest not be upset - at least not in front of my mother, my grandfather, or my nieces. Whether or not it was right to think this way, it was my job to be the support for my mom and my little girls, and to be supportive of my grandfather, and being upset in front of them was only going to make it worse. I remember walking off on my own and having a good cry a few times when I needed to. But beyond that, I don't remember a whole lot. I guess it's best that way. I'd rather have my last memories of her be happy ones, which they are. 

Coming back to Florida after that was incredibly hard. The last place I wanted to be was here. The last thing I wanted to do was get ready for my defense or write a paper, even though it provided a pretty good distraction from what was going on. The only thing I wanted to do was curl up in bed with the blankets over my head and just sleep. Just turn everything off, not have to think or see or do. Just black, that's all I wanted. It was a struggle not to do it. It was a struggle just to force myself to get out of bed every morning, put on clothes, and go to work. It was a struggle to even be around my friends and try to appear happy, which is why I didn't spend much time with them for much of April and May. It was a struggle just to be.

About a week after I got back from my grandmother's funeral, I went on a date with a guy named Ryan. To be honest, I wasn't all that into it, but I thought it would be good for me to get out of the house, to do something fun, to meet someone new that wouldn't look at me with pity or frustration in their eyes. We met at the beach, and had a picnic on the beach at night...Chipotle carry-out, margaritas, and fruit salad. We laid out on the blanket and talked and talked and talked. He asked me out again, and I said yes. 

Ryan and I have been dating now for about a month and a half, and things honestly couldn't be better. We're taking things very slow, kind of feeling our relationship out as we go, taking each step as it comes naturally. To be honest, it's the first relationship that I've been in in a very long time where I haven't felt like I was in over my head in the deep end of the water. He's funny, he's charming, and he's incredibly easy-going about just about everything, which is a good trait to have, given how crazy and chaotic my life can be. And he's taken everything in stride. I told him once that I had a great deal of respect for a guy who walks into a first date with a woman who's in mourning, who's in the middle of preparing for her masters defense and graduation, and who's dealing with some serious health issues, and doesn't turn around and walk right back out the door. He just looked at me and smiled that grin of his and said, "All those things are temporary, and we'll will get through them." Like I said, good guy. In the meantime, I'm enjoying getting to know him, watching as things develop in their own time, and seeing what possiblities lay ahead. 

In early June, I defended my master's thesis. I was terrified shitless, and the week leading up to my defense was full of upset stomachs, crying phone calls home, clipped phone messages, and last minute OCD-driven tweaking of both the paper and presentation, not to mention the discovery of the fact that I stutter when nervous. Not just because my masters degree and the last two years of my life were riding on this, but because any future opportunities at the university (more on that shortly) were riding on it. Regardless, I got up in front of my peers and defended my thesis paper, then completed my private oral defense...and passed. Passed with flying colors. Passed to the degree that one of the professors present told my committee chair that it was the best defense she had ever seen. I passed. :) That night, I went out with my friends and for the first time in a very long time, I was happy. Truly happy. Giddily happy, enough that they thought I was highly intoxicated long before I truly was. And trust me, by 9pm that night, boy was I intoxicated. :)

Two days later, I walked in graduation. My family couldn't make it down, but Tracy flew down from Ohio, and Ryan came to the ceremony as well. That night, we met up with friends for dinner at Carabbas...I remember sitting at the head of the table of 18 people, just looking down it and thinking in disbelief, "They're all here for me. I can't believe all these people are here because they care about me." After dinner, we spent the evening partying at Riverfront - drinking, dancing, taking obscene amounts of pictures. Even more people came out to Riverfront - at one point, half of the upstairs bar of Tarpon Bend were all people there to celebrate with me. I could hardly believe it. It was honestly one of the best nights of my life. :) 

Two weeks later, Robin (my committee chair) called me into her office and handed me an email from the dean. It said "Let's do it!". And with that, I was accepted as a Ph.D. student into Nova Southeastern University. :)

Robin had come to me in the weeks leading up to my defense with an idea for a Ph.D. project. She wanted to look at retina structure in mesopelagic and bathyopelagic fishes, and she wanted me to do the project. This was an incredible shock for me, and something I had to seriously consider, as I had never intended to go on for my Ph.D...I had every intention of graduating with my masters, moving away, getting a job, and settling down somewhere. So, after a lot of consideration, I decided that if it was offered to me, I would take it. It took a few more weeks of putting pieces together, talking to people, determining committee members, etc, etc, until finally, last week, she told me it was a go. I still have to formally apply (despite the fact that the dean is has said yes, and is on my committee, lol), and will be spending the next six months preparing a project proposal (which must be defended in December - yay, another defense!), but in all pretenses, for the next three years, I'm a Ph.D. student. :) According to my committee, this project is going to be very important, and is going to open a lot of doors for me when I graduate. They're already talking about side projects, publications, possible trips to Austria and Australia to do research...it's incredible. There are moments when I don't even believe it's happening. :)

Summertime is here, and with nothing but a few revisions to do on my thesis paper, and laying the groundwork for my Ph.D. proposal, I get to relax and enjoy some "time off". I've been making a conscious effort to go out more, spend more time with friends, and have been reaping the benefits (particularly nights full of dancing my ass off at America's Backyard and Coyote Ugly, drinks at Coyote Bar, weekends at Joe's condo in Jupiter, lunches at Moes with Katy and Brian...). I've been spending lots of time with my core group down here - thank god for them, they've put up with everything that's been happening for the last three months without even blinking an eye, have been so supportive, so caring, and I feel so damned lucky to have the friends I have. :) I've been getting back in touch with people I haven't talked to in a long time, or people I haven't gotten to know as well as I would have liked, and making the effort to spend time with them and get to know them. I've been making travel plans, lots of them - weekend roadtrips up to Jupiter a few weekends this summer and fall, Orlando in July, Key West in the fall, Charleston and Savannah in September. I've been doing yoga again, religiously, and have been slowly getting myself back into a workout routine (unfortunately, all the stomach issues forced me to pretty much abandon my 4-5-day-a-week three-hour workout sessions). I've been checking out new things - going to the art and science museums with Ryan, catching new movies. I'm cooking again - I mean, really cooking, not just Mac & Cheese or a grilled cheese sandwich. Initially, I kind of had to force myself to get out there and do things, but as time has passed, it's become more and more natural, and I've become more and more excited about doing things. 

And I'm looking forward to the next three years. I'm already thinking about Christmas - going to Santa's Enchanted Forest (good 'ol redneck Miami Christmas fun!) with Brian and Katy, planning the second annual Christmas dinner party at my apartment (I'll have to figure out how to fit a few extra people at the dinner table, but I'll make it happen). I can't wait until football season starts, for those Sundays spent at Paola & Goeff's grilling and watching the game. I'm looking forward to football games with Joe, Mike, and Candace, and hockey games with Joe and Ryan. I'm working on my first skydive with Mike. I'm planning a camping trip so I can finally break in my camping gear that I bought at Christmastime. I'm signing up for dive trips, talking to Mike about the next steps in my certification process. I'm looking into getting certified to teach yoga. I'm looking into places to go horseback riding and studios to take ballroom dancing lessons at. I think I've even talked Brian into taking two-step lessons at Roundup with me. There so many things we're talking about doing - Fantasyfest in Key West, roadtrips up and down the coast, rodeos, carnivals, parties, cookouts. I may even get that tattoo that I've been wanting for nine years now and just never got around to getting. :) As much as I know that incredibly hard work and lots more stress and frustration is waiting for me down the road with this Ph.D., it's also offering me a great deal of hope, and a chance to really live life up for the next three years.

So, in the span of two months, my life has completely turned a 180. It went from being one of the darkest, saddest, hardest periods of my life thus far to being one of the happiest, brightest, most hopeful times of my life in the blink of an eye. I feel incredibly blessed to be where I'm at right now, to have the life I have (even with its darker moments), and I can't quite wrap my brain around how incredibly lucky I am. :) 

So, even when the darkest days come, the sunshine isn't (too) far behind. :)

Until later, gnight and god bless...

Current Mood: hopeful